Who’s Doing the Picking when Dating? It’s More than You Think!

I’ve had decades of personal experience and education on this subject. I can say that most coaches and therapists don’t get it. You see it everywhere. “Look at the common denominator”, “Change your Picker”, “You have something to learn and take the lessons and be grateful”. All of which is only partially true!

Why? There isn’t a simple solution to this issue and there isn’t a one size fits all answer. You can’t (for most of us) just change your picker. Make a decision and wave a magic wand and it’s done.

Because we are not doing the picking! It’s our subconscious more than our conscious mind. Since our subconscious mind is in the driver’s seat (I’ve experienced this over and over) we think we are picking better, only to find out we are not.

This isn’t new, news. It’s just that people who haven’t delved into the psychology of it, think that it’s simple. Each time choose better! I’ve had a hard lesson in this one. Like a huge lesson.

You will attract men that are a reflection of your unhealed inner world. The issue is, you might have no clue that the inner world has an issue. It’s taking me (once I started diving deeper) time to get into my inner world to find the parts that were doing the picking.

I truly thought I could go to therapy for a year and it would be resolved. After all, I’ve had lots of inner growth and therapy. Nope! Not even close. This part of me was silent, very fearful of showing herself and in the dark with no signs of her existence. I had to let go of a timeline.

I seriously got a huge wake-up call when I had been picking men much better and then wham! This one man showed up, the chemistry was too strong and I was watching myself from the back seat. I watched myself not speaking up, and going right back into confusion.

Confusion is the first sign of a toxic relationship.

I held my boundaries and had all the conversations around boundaries and agreements. Yet, the toxicity showed up because I was the only one caring about having a conscious relationship. He never had any intentions of caring about our agreements. I found this out a bit late.

Six months later, after a breakup, I was stalked. For years stalked. It was horrible the court hearing and the victim blaming that occurred was insurmountable.  I couldn’t understand why I had attracted such a bad choice, one of the worst.

Taking time to really sit with the missed signals and the moments when I had amnesia show up, and never had a thought to run from this man, I knew something was up.

Now, years later, I understand that I wasn’t doing the picking. A part of me did. Still, it is me. However, it’s important to know that it’s a wounded part of you and not your conscious mind. I have to be the one to shift it.

Here’s the thing, the lesson you might need to learn from this person might be to walk away. It might be to see the signs sooner and move on. It doesn’t mean you have to stay to get the lesson. It means you have to recognize the part of you that is trying to communicate the best that it can. Hear it, understand it, and embrace it.

Don’t blame yourself and don’t take it on as if you are, broken and you need to fix your picker. You are not broken. You cannot just change your mindset (for many of us) and it is done. Some of us have parts that are harder to locate, communicate and hear. Others, it’s more available. Try not to point the finger at yourself as the problem.

It takes time and it’s not something you should compare yourself over. 

If you would like more support around this subject and would like to change your picker to find healthier men, contact me for a Free Get to Know Me Session.

Photo by Diana Olynick