I speak to a lot of women. One common issue that still seems to be systemic is ignoring our needs to keep a man. It shows up in many ways.
Cognitive Dissonance is one way. This is where we have 2 conflicting belief systems going on at the same time. One is that we need a man and desperately want to be married and have a family and the other is we are independent and can leave him if need be. It’s our actions that show us what we really believe.
The one that seems to be the strongest is the need to have a man for marriage and family because, upon further inspection with these women, they are settling for having some important needs not met. Like organically growing a relationship. Other needs are intimacy and romance and feeling seen and heard and moving into a deeper commitment. They tend to wait and tolerate.
In today’s society with social media and living life in the fast lane, it is easy to have excuses because our man isn’t matching up to our basic needs. He’s busy, he needs alone time; he doesn’t have the money, and he has friends and a life of his own. All of which is true, but the fact is if he wanted to see us, speak to us, listen to us, he would.
This is a hard concept for women. It sounds conflicting with the earlier statement. Yet, time and time again, women meet men that have those same needs and issues and still make sure their woman’s needs are met (not that he is responsible for all her needs). It’s paradoxical.
I have no judgment about this. I’ve done it myself. Time and time again, I realized my actions were not lining up with my belief. I wasn’t as aware of my subconscious being the driver and my conscious mind in the back seat.
A man that is truly invested in growing a relationship would work in the important aspects of his relationship just like he would if he had a last-minute business meeting. He would work it in just as he would if he was going back to college and had several important things to juggle. They make the time.
If we are more driven by the need to have a man and family, then we are actually choosing a suitable long-term man then we are going to settle. We are going to have tunnel vision and only see that which confirms our strongest belief.
If we have our independence and desire to have the best possible option for our need for a relationship and family as our primary belief, we will see it from the lens of discernment.
The rocky middle part of this is the gray area. How do we know if we are settling or not? Ask yourself! Pay attention to your actions.
I know this isn’t simple. If you work on having conversations with each part of yourself, then you can discern which part is the needy part and which part has your best interest at heart.
If you get triggered by something someone says that tests your story, you’ll know that is the story you need to investigate.
Pay attention to and keep an open mind to each voice you hear and write it down. For instance, the “buts”.
But he is busy with work.
But he is exhausted.
But he needs time alone.
But I can’t have it all in one man.
These are the places you want to inquire. No judgment, just inquire how accurate it is. You’ll know by how defensive you get.
He is busy isn’t exactly what you mean. It’s an excuse. What you might really mean is “He is too busy to spend time with me. I need more time with him.” We all have the same 24 hrs a day. Let’s communicate the actual need to him.
Let’s investigate this further. Once you get the actual statement down, then use your problem-solving skills to look at it.
If he had a class, he signed up for at a university to further his education, would he be saying the same thing? Likely, no. Is there a way that you can see where, if he really wanted to see you and spend time with you, he would?
Maybe you could show up at his place and lie next to him while he studied?
Maybe he would invite you to take a short walk to get exercise or walk the dog.
Maybe he would video chat with you for a bit and you both can catch up.
He might send you love letters.
Let your mind wander into possibilities. Then ask yourself if he could possibly come up with ideas himself. If he really wanted something bad enough, would he find the time?
Truth be known, at times, we really are strung out and over-functioning. Keep in mind time together helps to ease that and refresh us to continue on with our hectic lives. It’s the lack of connection and intimacy that can drain us.
The point is, he will let you know if he is missing you like crazy and can’t wait to see you. You will know by his actions and body language, tone that he is sincere.
If, on the other hand, you feel tired from him not doing his best to see you, then you know you are settling and allowing a need to be pushed aside.
We really know the difference between authentic effort and half-assed effort. Pay attention to that!
You can have conversations with both parts of yourself. The one that really needs a man for marriage and family and the one that is independent and wants only the best for you. Each has the same air time. Take to heart each part’s needs. Then sit with it awhile. What would you think of your relationship if you were seeing it through someone else’s eyes?
Make sure you don’t villainize either part for what it believes or needs. There is no “wrong” here.
I’ve given myself much time for the answer to surface and I also have to pay attention to how the answer shows up. For instance, when I was younger, it showed up in songs in my head.
Then later in life, it showed up as a loss of sleep and dreams. Now, it shows up as a conversation with other parts of myself.
The reason for this is simple. It was a reflection of how connected I was to myself and how safe that part felt telling me. When I was less in tune with my parts, it showed up in songs being stuck in my head because that was the only way it could communicate with me. However, I listened to each of these forms of communication.
If you are feeling anxious, worrisome, fearful, or just out of sorts about your relationship, something inside of you is trying to communicate. Try not to fear it.
Absolutely nothing wrong with the need for love, commitment, and family. Also, nothing is wrong with independence and having the best option for you. The problem is when we think we need one more than the other and we have somehow, either because of society or our own beliefs, talked ourselves into settling.
Just as much of an issue is when we are overly independent and a perfectionist, we can pass by really great opportunities.
The one that is in the driver’s seat and isn’t allowing the other parts to collaborate is the one running the show.
For sure, with women, it’s usually that we listen to society’s pressure on what our life should be like and what we should tolerate from a man that has centuries of momentum that is the one that has the strongest hold on us.
Like many women, you are not alone in braving the journey to unravel those worn-out beliefs and learning how to make healthier choices for yourself that include your needs being met.
If you find that you are settling in a relationship or not sure, contact me and let’s chat. Book a Free Get to Know Me session.