Recently, through my inner work, I’ve had to sit with some really hard realizations that felt hopeless for me to change. We can’t change other people. We can’t get them to see our value. We can’t get them to really hear us if they aren’t.
My past has been about me thinking that if I shifted my energy, it would shift as well. Doing my inner work would shift both perspectives and eventually we would see each other more clearly.
This was not the way it has worked for me in my life. Sometimes it has. Rarely has it ever changed things in the way I was hoping.
Here’s the thing, changing our perspective helps us! That’s it. They might notice that we have shifted, and it is for them to look at this and make their own shifts. We never really know how the shift will change us or them.
When I held on to the sliver of hope that it would change them and they would see my worth, it was a “me” problem. I kept chasing the dangling carrot.
I was internally running from accepting that it might just not happen – the shift I was hoping for. That was too painful for me to accept.
Our inner work isn’t a trophy to win. It’s not a game to win by conquering ourselves, by doing our inner work, to get them to care, love us, or see us as valuable. It’s just a mask as it really is us trying to control an outcome.
How to sit with the fact that we really just have little control over others? It’s painful at times. Subconsciously, we want to do something, anything, to avoid the discomfort of accepting it is not in our hands. We might actually have a relationship end. We might lose a close friend or a relative. Lose what we had and have a far different relationship with them. It feels like death at times. Grieving can be very painful.
Our connection to that person is strong and we do not want to have it severed. Breakups happen. Even with families. Even with friends. That’s why we avoid it.
How to sit with the discomfort of not having control:
* Notice the discomfort and lean into it
* Notice what your feelings are
* Don’t move
* Don’t go find something to take the edge off
* Just sit with it
* The feeling will most likely intensify
* Allow all your feelings to surface
* Name the feeling Sad, Angry, Hurt, or Fearful
* If you can talk to yourself, let your hurtful part know you are there for them
* Stay until the feeling starts to subside. Journal about what your experience was.
This isn’t easy. I know! I do it and even though I did this for a long time, it’s still hard. What I know from doing this for a very long time it works! It might not be noticeable at first. Eventually, you won’t fear dealing with the uncomfortable and start accepting the reality that we can’t control others and we can’t “make” someone value us when they don’t. We then are freed up to live our lives without the illusion.
If you have struggled with sitting with uncomfortable feelings and not having control, contact me for a Free Get to Know Me Session.
Photo by Nik Shuliahin