Focus on How You Feel when Dating, Not Necessarily!

Focus on How You Feel when Dating, Not Necessarily true. Why? Because it depends on how you were conditioned and from where are you feeling it. By that, I mean what we think is chemistry is actually our brains recognizing a pattern in the person we are meeting that comes from familiarity. That might very well make you feel comfortable and safe only because it’s familiar. That familiarity could be dysfunctional.

Be careful about New Age dating tips. They might not be trauma-informed or educated on how the brain attaches to quickly to someone who might not be healthy for us because we have experienced it before.

In the beginning, when the chemistry is high and they have the attributes we have written down, we want in a partner, and we can be fooled. Not by them, but by our emotions and feelings. Even our brain.

So when you read articles or watch videos that tell you to go by what you feel, that is only partially correct. That advice can get you into a toxic relationship very fast.

What do you do?

It takes about 3 days after seeing someone for the brain chemistry to go back to near normal. That really depends on how often you think about him/ her and stir those hormones back up. Journal. Keep in mind that chemistry and lists aren’t the end-all or be-all of finding the perfect partner.

When you are with this person, notice if you overlook things you might not overlook if there was no chemistry. Watch for the moments when something is said or done and you skip over it to get back to the euphoria. Those are the key moments where we just overlooked a red flag. Save it for later and investigate.

In between dates, you have work to do. List them down. Get real with yourself. If this person wasn’t as appealing, and you were with someone you were not so attracted to, would you continue on with them if this happened? If the answer is no, then you have overlooked a red flag. Maybe even a yellow flag.

It’s wonderful to have a blast with someone and enjoy your time with them. Feel those feelings!! Just do not hook yourself on them until you have also logically looked at them without the crazy concoction of brain chemicals that makes you feel on top of the world.

Why is that?

Eventually, those brain chemicals will fade and the honeymoon stage will be over and you’ll start noticing what you had overlooked before. Then you most likely are already in a committed relationship and have fallen in love with the person. It’s a bit harder to leave at that point. Heartbreak happens at a deeper level.

Keep your logic in the decision and be strong enough to pull away from the strong magnetic pull and keep your genuine needs as a priority. The ones you need to have to truly feel safe, accepted, loved, and seen. Separate the wants from the non-negotiables.

The non-negotiables are the ones that will make you feel grounded and content. Focus on those. It’s not the on-top-of-the-world feeling, but it’s pretty damn amazing! Yummy stuff!

If you would like more clarity on this issue, schedule a Free Get to Know Me session

Photo by Clem Onojeghuo