In my work as a Dating & Relationship Coach, I often hear: “If I need to work that hard, it isn’t right”. Meaning the person isn’t the right person if they have to work on it that early on in dating or marriage.
Here is the thing. We all have tried navigating relationships shooting from our hips. We use the techniques we’ve been taught by society. If that worked, people would be having better relationships. They would be happier in their relationships and there would be less conflict and drama.
The reason relationships are hard and the reason that many do not work is that we are not using the skills that work. We are all trying to make a relationship work with what doesn’t work.
If your car isn’t running well you take it to someone that knows how to make it run better. If you are struggling with your computer, you learn how to make it work well, or learn skills to use it properly.
With relationships, we have conflicting beliefs. Usually, those are: “Relationships are hard work” and “If it’s that hard it isn’t right”. See the trap?
There is truth to those statements and there is also just as much untruth in those statements. It’s not black and white. True relationships require work. You just don’t date and then it’s easy after that. True that if it is extraordinarily hard, it might be time to reevaluate. Reevaluating doesn’t mean dropping it like a hot potato.
We’ve all been conditioned by the beliefs of our family of origin and society. We also have been conditioned by eons of dysfunction that have silently been passed down through generations. Often, we don’t even realize we have a tape playing in the background that keeps repeating over and over. This takes a lot of awareness. Sometimes we need help with finding these tapes.
Using the same skills that got us into dysfunctional relationships to make another relationship work, won’t work unless the other person is ok with those unhealthy skills. If you both have acceptance of those issues that seem to shake up your relationship and you both accept them as ok it works. It might not work as well – but it works.
If you find that you desire a relationship that is healthier and you know it can be better a Dating & Relationship Coach can help. My work is to uncover those hidden beliefs and facilitate change into something that works better.
The hardest part is looking at your belief system. Developing new skills and applying them takes time. However, once you do that and it works, then the relationship is easier. The more you practice those skills the more you developed the muscle and it becomes second nature.
Like anything else in life, there is a certain amount of work required to get skilled at it. You fell down a few times and might have skinned your knee when learning to ride a bike. Now you don’t even think about it. That’s how relationships become easier. With help, it can be a smoother process where you feel supported, heard, and understood.
If having a conscious relationship that grows is important to you, great a Dating & Relationship Coach might be what’s next in your journey. Let’s chat!
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