Esther Perel, a well know relationship therapist, talks about how “The forbidden fuels desire”. “There is something about breaking the rules and transgression that makes us feel we have touched freedom with a capital F.” ” The moment we break out and we reach beyond the inhibitions, the boundaries, the borders, and the prohibitions, that we have set to ourselves, our culture, or our religion set to us, we experience a sense of affirmation and reclamation that is unmatched.”
Often we seek the forbidden outside of our relationships. We break the rules outside of our relationship. It’s one of the reasons we cheat is to get the rush of desire that is created by doing something forbidden. To some, it is very enticing.
What if we could create forbidden within our relationships? What if we can do things within our partnership that is adventurous and even dangerous to create that same sense of deep desire for each other?
We can if we do it consciously. You have to put thought and communication to work to find what is “forbidden” or “adventurous” in life that you can do to create this same experience.
I’ve talked to couples that have done this. Some are very creative.
Think of things that you might use to do as teenagers that were fun and exciting that you have forgotten about.
Think outside of the box. Get creative and step back into time when life was just opening up to you and you had all these ideas of what you could do that were fun and even a little sneaky.
- Skinny dipping
- Hot tub
- Parking – making out in a car
- Sex in an elevator
- Nude beach
- Sex on the beach
- Mardi Gras
- Travel to another country
- Couple Yoga
- Sensual couples massage
- Fantasy play
You get my drift. When we start opening our minds to ideas and allow ourselves to think of ideas, then the ideas flow.
Discussing boundaries is important. If you decide to do something radical, discuss how it will impact your relationship. Be clear. Then have fun! Enjoy! See if these ideas create a different kind of vibe in your relationship. Sometimes we get in a rut and think we want to wander out of our commitment when really we could just switch things up within the one we have.
Forbidden doesn’t have to be one thing. It can be many things. Many ways to create the desire that we often have associated with cheating. I’m always reminded of the song by Rupert Holmes, Escape where they both were tired of each other and in a rut in the relationship and put an ad in the paper only to meet up and see each other to find things about each other they didn’t know.
What we really desire is to create freedom. That rush we get from doing something outside of what our mind has created as comfortable. We desire fun, excitement, and passion. We absolutely should have those things! We just have to consciously create them.
If going outside of your commitment is what you both desire, then that, too, is an option. Just communicate clearly, respect boundaries, and move forward with an agreement. Do it consciously.
If you feel your relationship is in a rut and you want to spark it up again, contact me for a Get to Know Me Session.
Photo by Mia Harvey