The Biggest Myth About Attraction, It’s Not Chemistry!

It's Not Chemistry

One of the biggest issues I see when speaking to someone about dating is that they just go by how it feels early on. The chemistry! If the chemistry is there, then all else will just fall into place. You are so enamored by magnetic chemistry that all rational thinking goes down the drain.

The problem with that is we’ve all had exes we had chemistry with and it was a hot mess. Yet, we still hang on to the fact that this myth will eventually work. We just have to keep going.

We don’t question the belief, we only question the relationship or, more often, the person. Let me bust this myth. It’s not chemistry that you look for if you want a healthy and thriving relationship. It’s common beliefs, common lifestyles, compatibility, and a healthy bond.

Attraction grows. Chemistry hits you like bricks. 

Though chemistry is so fun and exciting. Finding out about those things in a bar with dozens of other people chatting at the same time while trying to have a meaningful conversation at the same time a few drinks. Nothing wrong with bars, music, people, and drinks. It’s not setting it up so that you can actually make a healthy decision. 

This is the most common way that people decide. We meet online and then meet in person, have a drink or two in a busy place and go by how much chemistry they felt with this person. Most jump into physical intimacy fairly early. Nothing wrong with having sex soon, it’s about what  you are looking for,  long-term or casual sex.  This bypasses the brain’s ability to discern.  We just hijacked our critical thinking.


Don’t get me wrong, some couples luck up and meet at a bar, have sex very soon and find lasting love. That is rare. 

Dr. Pat Allen says after one alcoholic drink we are altered enough to not be able to make a healthy decision about a relationship. Our brain is hijacked that soon. 

“What is the biggest tip you can give women entering the dating world again?”

Without hesitation, she replied: “Stop drinking. Pure and simple.”

She speaks in a quintessentially blunt, staccato voice. I’m listening, expecting a more elaborate explanation. When she doesn’t continue I push her for information on this topic as how many women like to have a glass of wine on a first date to take the edge off? The relationship expert explains that a woman can’t size up a man correctly if she even has one drink on the first date or before commitment. “Wine (on the first date, first meeting) knocks out instincts for her and knocks out intelligence and intuition for him.”



Depending on your definition of soul mate, chemistry isn’t a sign of a soul mate nor that this person will be good for you and support your wellbeing long term. It’s a sign that your brain recognizes something in the other person who is unseen and familiar. Usually that is dysfunction. We just do not notice the incompatibility and dysfunction until after the honeymoon stage. 

Having an altered conscious mind and believing in “chemistry” sets us up to almost certainly make an unhealthy decision. We hook ourselves too soon. 


In the book Human Magnet Syndrome by Ross Rosenberg he wrote: “Since the dawn of civilization, men and women have been magnetically and irresistibly drawn together into romantic relationships, not so much by what they see, feel and think, but more by invisible forces. When individuals with healthy emotional backgrounds meet, the irresistible “love force” creates a sustainable, reciprocal, and stable relationship.

Codependents and emotional manipulators are similarly enveloped in a seductive dreamlike state; however, it will later unfold into a painful “seesaw” of love, pain, hope, and disappointment. The soul mate of the codependent’s dreams will become the emotional manipulator of their nightmares.”

This is why, despite their dreams for true love, they find themselves hopelessly and painfully in love with partners who hurt them.

As much fun as it is to meet, laugh, talk, get a little tipsy into the wee hours of the morning, if we aren’t committed to vetting the person for the benefit of our own personal goals for a relationship, we easily slip into default mode and just ride the wave.

This absolutely can be fun. Who doesn’t like to just go with the flow? If finding a sustainable healthy relationship is your goal, it’s important to be aware of the pitfalls of falling for someone that eventually will be unhealthy for us.  It doesn’t have to be so unromantic. It takes time to consciously decide on compatibility.

Have fun, pay attention to the important aspects of the person and their lifestyle and stay in tune with your truth. Which could very well be “I really am attracted to this person, I find them fun and easy to be with, and I see aspects of the connection that will eventually be troublesome.” The important part is to spend time with them when you aren’t in an altered state and then have time away to really to think about getting serious about a partnership with this person. Are they really healthy for you or have you overlooked the signs?

When we just “go with the flow” shooting from the hip, we end up repeating the same issue with another person once again.  It’s important to date consciously. 

For more help with dating consciously contact me for a “Get to Know Me Session”

Photo by Igor Rodrigues

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