Have you ever been like this woman, still pining for your first love?
“Help I am still in love with my first love! Thirty years ago, I was in love with a boy and I was scared to commit so I broke up and went out with another boy. I got pregnant and because of the pregnancy, I married him. I was sixteen years old at the time. Now, thirty years later, I run into my first love (and only love) on social media. My heart races, feelings arise and I contact him.
What do I do with these feelings? I’m still in love with him and is married with children. I just know he is my soulmate. My one and only.”
If you’re still in love with your first love from decades ago, you’re feeling the love and emotions for him/her based on those old memories and the unprocessed emotions.
“I am still in love with my first love”: How do you move on?
Often, you might use denial as a way to cope with fear. The brain gets hijacked when situations like this pop-up. You feel the love you had for the person as if it’s actually happening now.
The brain chemistry can make you feel that high of being in love again. You believe that this is a sign that you’re still in love with someone — a sign of true love.
The woman above states, “I haven’t felt this way in 30 years.”
She’s feeling intense feelings and urges to act on them and seek out more — it feels fantastic! She really craves to be with this person. And, possibly, a projected future with him.
What do you do with these feelings?
You feel them! You honor them and understand them for what they are: the past.
It can also be a clue that you might not be satisfied or happy with your current situation.
Look at your life and yourself and see if you can find where you are not satisfied with yourself, feeling lonely, or not getting your needs met in your current marriage.
We might feel so strongly that we take our feelings as “truth.”
Feelings aren’t the truth, they’re just part of the equation for you to inquire. Actual love is more than those feelings. Perhaps, those feelings were never allowed to surface and let go.
When you only see your life through your feelings, you often decide based on something that isn’t for our best. Feelings result from your minds, attaching to a belief.
Your feelings absolutely have validity and not the totality of the answer we seek. You have the job of looking at those feelings and really getting clear on the origin, the reality. Process them and get clear.
You don’t have to act on them, just be with them and feel them.
Acting on past feelings such as this can break up families, cause betrayal and even traumatize in some cases.
Saying someone is truly “the one” based on the past isn’t realistic unless you’ve taken the time to reconnect, investigate the person as they are now, and spend quality time together.
Go through the process of allowing a new relationship to blossom. Everyone changes and if you’re falling in love with the idea of who they are instead of who they truly are now, you set yourself up for another unhappy relationship.
Healing that old wound and starting with a clean slate can be difficult.
At times, your feelings are so strong it feels like they engulf you. I’ve been there!
Here are 8 things you can do to move on if you think you’re still in love with your first love.
1. Pausing is a great way to reset the brain. When old feelings show up, it’s an opportunity to investigate, not act impulsively.
4. Make a list of what you are grateful for right now in this moment. Take this down to the basics, breathing, the ability to see, hear, taste, touch, feel and love. Notice your heart beating. Sit with this.
5. Talk to a friend, a coach, or a counselor before taking action on these feelings.
7. Journal about these strong feelings. Get it out. Be as petty as you need to be to feel a release. As you journal often when feeling these feelings, later you can go back and read it to get perspective on it.
8. Finally, realize that this person might very well be “your one” and they are married now with children and if they are your one and only, they are not “the one” right now.
Step into the reality of acceptance of what is now. This doesn’t mean that things won’t change, but we are moving from a different mindset and being clear with our intentions.
The process of divorce is not an easy one and acting impulsively based on unprocessed emotions could bring about situations that could strain on a new relationship. Breaking up a family isn’t a matter to take lightly. We have to consider all sides and everyone involved.
They know that often what they are feeling in the moment is an opportunity to grow as a person and as a couple. They work to find ways to deflate impulsivity.
If this is the love of your life you’ve finally reunited, that’s wonderful, treat it as something to cherish and handle with care. Both partner’s feelings are valid and important and finding out what his desires are is paramount to moving forward. Do it with an open heart and no agenda.
This article was originally published on Your Tango
Photo by Farrinni