Help! He still sees other women while we’re dating. What do I do? This is a common complaint among women. They are dating a guy they like, enjoy, and want it to grow into something more. They want exclusivity. However, they feel stuck! Usually, they are emotionally attached and don’t know what to do.
First, let me say there is nothing wrong with seeing other people when you are dating someone. Consider as a woman, do the same. Dating others until we have gone out long enough to know which person we want to be exclusive with is healthy. It’s actually a great way to date. There is nothing wrong with casual dating or casual sex the issue comes in when we want exclusivity and are by our actions casual dating.
The issue is not being clear with what your boundaries are and therefore having silent pain about him not knowing what you want and not giving it to you. That’s not healthy. Men aren’t mind readers.
Don’t assume exclusivity!
The old school way you liked a guy and start to date and you became a couple, it was assumed. Fairly automatic.
Now we know that having more choices and vetting potential partners works better for choosing someone that is more compatible rather than spending a long time with someone by default, with little serious thought going into coupling.
When you begin dating a man, be clear on what you desire. For instance, “What are you looking for in a relationship?”, “I’m looking for long term”, or “I’m monogamous. What about you?”
The next biggest issue is having sex without a discussion. I know, many feel that is a mood killer. Have the discussion prior to things getting that far. If you say it in a way that is soft, easy, and not complicated, he’ll get it without it being a mood killer. Say it upbeat, say it in a sexy way. Make sure it is a clear conversation and not “oh, ok” and then go back to making out.
“I’m really getting turned on right now and I don’t have casual sex. I don’t have sex with men that are dating other women. I need exclusivity and for the relationship to be moving towards a long-term commitment. What do you think?”
It sounds awkward and uncomfortable in the beginning. When you relax and say it with a firm boundary that isn’t demanding, eventually it flows out and comes naturally. It took me a bit of practice, but it works when you say with clarity, love, and kindness. You want to make sure that there are no expectations of a certain response. Men can pick up on those covert expectations.
You’ll notice if he is really interested in you
A man that isn’t interested in the exclusivity or commitment will continue by pushing your boundaries and or walk away. A man that really likes you and wants to spend more time with you will honor your request or communicate where he is with that subject. As hard as it might be, it’s a way to vet out the ones you do not really want. This can be very hard when you really like a man. It can be really hard when you are very turned on and you don’t want to stop.
The key here is to have your best as the priority. It’s holding boundaries, communicating what you need, and being willing to walk if they are not met. Even if you are already emotionally attached.
This determines your value. If you consistently worry about him walking off and giving in for the sake of keeping him, you aren’t showing value. You’re showing him you are easy to get his way with.
Dating by default causes problems. Dating consciously takes a bit of preparation and commitment to yourself. Consider it as a way of working your way to the man you truly want and not wasting time on those that you will regret later.
If you are struggling with dating and exclusivity and want to go deeper into this, contact me for a Free Get to Know Me session.