Oh my! This topic is so close to my heart. I’ve absolutely had this happen to me, more than once. I’m empathetic, compassionate, and patient and it has attracted the wrong kind of men in my life. It took me decades to figure out how to repel these types of men. I had to learn to be very conscious of my actions and inactions.
Not only did it attract narcissistic men, but also men that subconsciously (or consciously) wanted to be the passive role in the relationship and be mothered. It left me ragged from taking all the responsibility in the relationship. I ended up with serious health issues from this type of relationship dynamics.
I understand that this might raise eyebrows. However, it’s true. Gabor Mate talks about this phenomenon also. Men seeking to be mothered. Again, this might be a subconscious desire that they might not consciously know.
If you listen closely to those men it will give you clues. They’ve carefully chosen words to trigger a woman’s desire to nurture.
Women have been conditioned for eons this is their role in a marriage or long-term partnership. If you are haggard and depletated it’s a good time to start reflecting.
Here are some of the phrases that give you a clue it might be Peter Pan:
- My mother took care of me until I was 19 or 20 yrs. old. She made my bed and washed my clothes until after college. I don’t know how to cook at all.
- I didn’t get mothered by my mother, she was distant and aloof. I need a woman to take me under her wing and give me love and nurturing so I can heal that wound.
- I’ve never learned how to “give” in relationships, will you teach me?
- I want to be a domestic partner and stay at home and cook for my woman. I’m not good at working outside of the home.
- I love a nurturing woman who loves on me and shows her love by pouring herself into me. This one bit me in the A*s a few times. I took it at face value. After a few of these, I got the hidden meaning.
When you notice a man who comes over and sits and watches T.V. while you prepare everything for his evening and stay over, pay attention to what he is doing and not doing.
“I was in a relationship with a woman that I just embedded into her life. I stayed with her most of the time.”
Notice that some of these phrases might be good, except for the part where they are not stepping up to also give and do as part of the relationship.
The worst long-term relationship I had with a Narcissist would be very helpful at my house as far as going grocery shopping for me, and he always added a little something for himself on it but didn’t help out much after. Once we moved in together he didn’t do anything at all to help. He wanted to meditate and do his yoga for hours a day.
Since his mother still talked to him like a small child and made his bed and did his laundry long after college, he put me in that role. Now, I understand the clues I missed back then.
As women, we can be a giver, and still notice when someone is passively being in a relationship role where we are doing most of the work emotionally, physically, and mentally. Carrying the load.
My examples are more clear for this article. There are more subtle ways they communicate it.
Generally speaking, it’s how you feel about it when they say it. Be aware that if you were conditioned by your mother to do this – as she did with your father, you might not feel bad when you hear it, you might feel a feeling of familiarity.
It can be tricky to notice this if you have been conditioned to have this type of relationship dynamics. Keep being conscious, and curious and keep watching the actions and words, you’ll get to the point where you realize it.
Look for a man who steps up in the relationship and will enjoy your giving and nurturing side and he won’t take advantage of it and will give and nurture you back.