Sex by the Third Date! Is it Good? Women have Needs too!

Sex on the third date or sooner. Is it good? There are different responses I hear from women.

 “ I have needs too, I can have casual sex,” “there is no difference between men having casual sex and women having casual sex. True, except the part that usually shows up when it’s over, emotional attachment. Early in the relationship, if not discussed, it can be an issue. If you haven’t discussed becoming a couple, most likely it is casual sex. Sometimes you can really be connected with a man and after sex, he wants to date. The other side of this is, often, men just want to get laid. They might tell you all sorts of things to get there. (I’m not saying women don’t-this article is about women)

Yes, women have needs too, and this isn’t about not getting your needs met. It’s about what needs have a higher priority than the others.

Having sex when you haven’t had it in a while might seem like having sex is a top priority. Maybe you just have a healthy drive. What happens when you part and that’s it? How will you feel? If you don’t hear from him for a longer than usual time only to have him show up again later and he gets sex again. It can be an ongoing issue of not feeling important. Sometimes, feeling used. Certainly not building a relationship.

How will it feel deep inside? 

If feeling respect is higher on your internal needs list, then maybe hold off a bit on the sack. Getting laid can be fun and exciting. It also can have aftereffects that are damaging to our self-esteem. It might even bring up an old wound. If you know you are a woman that will want it to turn into a relationship, then you know you will get emotionally attached after sex. Have boundaries. Stay true to those boundaries. It’s ok to allow attraction and sexual tension to build. Actually, can be very passionate.

If you can have sex with a man and not expect a phone call the next day or a text about another date, then go for it. Be safe about it. If, however, you are trying to be someone you aren’t, likely you can harm yourself. Not really listening to the bigger needs.

If how you cope with the feeling of only being good for sex, or feelings of rejection, is to go out and try to prove once again, you are a woman that does casual sex, it will continue to numb you to your true feelings. It will not make that deeper need vanish. Eventually, you might find yourself not having what you really want, a loving and respectful committed relationship. You might even feel resentful of men. “All men want is sex.” You still feel hurt when they do not call or text and it keeps repeating. You can’t figure out what the deal is.

Why aren’t you attracting different men?

It’s because you aren’t really sitting with your true needs. You are taking on this societal ideal that sex early on, is what you do. Sex by the third date is the social norm. For me, I had to sit with this. I’m a woman that enjoys sex and has a healthy desire, but I also feel bad when it ends up that sex is top of the list for the man I’m dating. It took me a while to find within myself what was my top priority. For me, my top priority is a true attraction for who I really am, and time spent on getting to know the guy to honestly decide if I wanted to have sex with him or not. Did I really like the guy? It was so easy to get caught up in satisfaction of my urges to bypass whether or not I really liked the man or not. I was putting blinders on. I started letting men know very respectfully that I’m having fun with them and I wasn’t ready for sex yet. I also gave them the heads up about self-care, STD’s and Pregnancy. So that he would know when the time was right for us both. Those had to be in place. I didn’t back down on that boundary. I would have walked away.

This Feels Unromantic to Discuss!

Yes, it might feel unromantic to discuss these things, I found it felt good to be upfront and protect myself. Then, when sex happened, it would be free and worry-free. He would feel as if my honesty was letting him know ahead of time so that he wouldn’t feel blindsided with those issues during or after the fact. It’s been rare that a man has brought up pregnancy and STDs first – there have been a couple. I got a positive response from most of them on how those issues were important to them as well. Whatever your boundaries and desires are, let them know. They will appreciate your honesty and communication (most of them, anyway). Jumping in before looking both ways can backfire on you.

Yes, Women Have Needs Too!

Yes, you have desires, yes, you want to get it on because you feel so into them, so turned on. Take care of your top priorities first. This might look like saying that you only have sex after exclusivity and monogamy are agreed upon. It might look like waiting a bit longer to connect with them outside of the physical. For sure, you will know which guys only want to get laid and which ones might be long-term material. When you mention exclusivity, you’ll get a vibe from them. You might not get another date, but holding true to your needs and desires long-term is more important than another date. Don’t get me wrong, it shouldn’t be this way. We shouldn’t have to always bring these subjects up first. I agree. This is where we are – based on social conditioning. What is more important is being realistic about your core needs.

Overriding Your Core Needs Doesn’t Feel Good

Jumping in too soon to override those core needs isn’t going to be helpful. You might get lucky. You might have sex on the first date and end up spending a lifetime together. That’s rare. Still, you have to be prepared when that doesn’t happen. Are you willing to put yourself and your inner peace on the line? Building self-confidence and self-respect might mean having to do without for a bit.  In the long run, you’ll feel better honoring your core needs first.

If finding your core needs and developing boundaries that support you, rather than sabotage you is something you’d like to explore further, contact me for a Free Get to Know Me Session.
Photo by Dainis Graveris