I speak to a lot of women, and there is a common denominator that I see. It’s the subconscious need for this date to turn into something. Hope! It’s hope. Leave hope at home when dating, Here is why. In an attempt to find a relationship, we often do the opposite of what works because it seems natural to us.
That feeling of it coming naturally is from centuries of needing a man. It’s so embedded in our psyche that we aren’t really aware it is there. It can show up as excitement, desire, or anxiety. What is going on underneath that is hope. Hope this one goes well, hope this man likes me, hope this man asks me out again.
When on a date and find that you are attracted to him, having a good time, the “hope he is the one” shows up. It’s automatic. It’s often so fast we can’t catch it.
Hope is one of those things that can either inspire people or sabotage people. When you are going out on a date hoping something will happen, your attention is focused on if he will approve of you. What ends up happening is that you forget you are supposed to vet him to see if he is acceptable to you. Ask yourself how he is with you?
- Does he listen?
- Does he ask questions about you?
- Does he seem easy to talk to?
- Does he make eye contact?
When we focus on vetting him, it changes our vibe from needy and desperate to curious and secure in knowing you have standards. It’s having your own happiness as a priority.
Leave hope at home when dating, here is why
When you catch yourself tangled up in hope, here are some suggestions to consider.
Am I worried about him liking me and asking me out again? If so, then turn it around and ask yourself if I authentically like him and is worth the time to go out with him again. Sometimes we are so focused on if someone likes us, we don’t even know if we truly like them.
How am I speaking to him?
Am I being overly nice and cute?
Am I trying to be sexy? If so, turn it around and ask yourself if that is your true personality or are you putting on a show to win him over?
Am I trying to get him in bed to hook him into a relationship? What message does that give off?
Am I ignoring my own emotional needs?
Am I agreeing with everything he says?
Am I avoiding having uncomfortable conversations?
Am I speaking to him as if I’m having coffee with someone I know? How relaxed am I?
It’s much more attractive to be with someone that is owning that they are nervous and not putting on an act to avoid being vulnerable than it is to be with someone fake. Consider that you might be pushing him away when it appears you are trying to draw him in.
Women have been conditioned for centuries to believe that there is a shortage of men. That we have to have a man to have value to fill our lives to give us status. Often we don’t have a clue we have these beliefs. We’ve been acting them out for centuries and it’s just how we view being a woman subconsciously. We don’t question our actions. We think chasing after love is what we should do to get it.
The most important thing to consider here is, do we love ourselves in the process or are we pushing ourselves aside in the name of “attaining love”.
If dating for the purpose of finding a partner or husband, consider the best thing to do is to have your own back. If you neglect to vet him, you might really regret it later. Relax when dating. There is no shortage of men, and there is no amount of faking it until you make it. He’ll notice you are not vetting him and are only interested in getting his approval. You are putting all your power in his hands. Men know this. You think you are hiding it, but you are not. Sit back, be yourself and enjoy the time getting to know a new person without the agenda of hoping for more. You’ll find that dating is easy, fun, and less stressful.
If dating is a struggle and you find it difficult to really date for the purpose of having fun and enjoying it, contact me for a Get to Know Me session.
Photo by Ronak Valobobhai