I need him back desperately! I made a mistake! So, you made a dating mistake when dating someone and they left. You want them back desperately! So, you text and call only to have them unanswered. You feel so heartbroken that the mistake you made, caused them to leave. Desperate love!
We’ve all done it. It happens in the best of situations where we’ve had a moment of fear and acted on it. Then, like a rug it was yanked out from under us and we’ve lost the relationship. Heartbreak!
Desperately needing someone back isn’t going to get you to where you understand why what happened, happened. You most likely are avoiding and your fear of never having this man back is causing you to act impulsively. Love addiction.
You get on Facebook and start posting taking full responsibility for the entire issue and want to hurry up and make amends to this man and go back to what you had. People will ultimately tell you you F*cked up!
To take control over the situation, you decide it was 100% on you and you can fix it! That is what many women do. Then decide if it was them that was the issue, and they can fix it.
This is a coping mechanism that creates control over a situation you have no control over!
Feeling helpless and deciding to fix it, is much more empowering.
The only problem is you avoiding your feelings! You just pushed them aside and took charge.
In some situations, this is helpful! When you are in danger or abuse is happening. Eventually, you want to get back to what you are feeling about it.
I get it! Feeling uncomfortable, helpless, sad, and depressed suck, it does! The only way to freedom is understanding yourself and going through the emotions.
First, you don’t know for a fact it was you, that was the issue.
Why do I say this? Because in many cases the women who experienced this, didn’t realize he had already been showing signs that were not healthy. Toxic masculinity maybe?
They had been ignoring those signs because everything else was “fine”. After all, they had a man!
All women know that if you have a decent man, you have to hold on to him! There is a shortage of “good men”.
The first step is to acknowledge that you might not have been the only one responsible so therefore you cannot control the outcome.
This is hard for many women!
Secondly, look at the situation with curiosity and discernment and put the emotions aside.
Look at your part in what was going on for you and then look at what caused you to react. No judgment. Just facts.
He was communicating with his ex on social media. That caused you to feel protective of the relationship. You got triggered and lashed out.
- What was his part?
- What led up to you getting triggered?
- What assumptions did you make about the relationship?
- What did you need from him that you were not getting?
- Did you communicate those needs?
In several situations, the women had assumed exclusivity and commitment. When there was no communication of such. Many women not only assume exclusivity, but they also assume the man has feelings for them and they get emotionally hooked. Usually, early on.
Getting back to the example, this woman had not had hard conversations about her boundaries (she didn’t have any). She made a lot of assumptions about what it meant to date someone this frequently and have a sexual relationship.
This was her part. She didn’t protect her heart and make sure her boundaries were respected and she felt too vulnerable in the situation.
His part was that he didn’t express what he wanted or his intentions for the relationship. He was content not having any type of boundaries or commitment. He was having fun as things were. He put that responsibility on her to ask if she wanted to know. He felt free to engage with any woman he wanted to.
Once the dating relationship ended because of her lashing out at him, she reached a point of complete desperation. She had to have him back!
The third step is to take all that energy back you are putting on him and turn it into yourself. Do nice things for yourself, talk nice to yourself, and nurture yourself. Stop blaming yourself.
Self-love! You want to take care of yourself, the way you would him.
Face the emotions you are experiencing and let them out! Cry! Scream! Get angry! and then have empathy for yourself. You are human! You didn’t do it perfectly! That’s ok! You are learning from it.
When you start focusing on yourself that desperation will fade. You’ll notice things shift in your life!
Take ownership of your part and heal it. Start a list of non-negotiables, and boundaries. Work on holding those.
You might want to have someone help you practice those boundaries. Practice how you would ask for what you need. Practice in your mind, leaving a man if you can’t get those needs met.
You need to let go of any idea that you have to have this man back. We can’t control other people. We shouldn’t try to. Accept the reality.
Find peace with this. Notice how different you are without the desperate love.
Move on to other men. Keep doing your inner work and growing. Practice, practice, practice. You’ll get better. When your self-confidence grows you will start to see how the men you had in the past might not be as attractive anymore. You might not even care to see this man again.
Perhaps you feel as if his doing what he was doing was disrespectful and not what you want in a man. Maybe, you still might entertain another try. Maybe you want a healthy relationship now?
What you’ve learned from all this is; that desperation won’t make someone come back. You’ve learned from the situation and grown. You love yourself more now and feel more secure.
Did you actually make a mistake? Not if you learned to have boundaries. Not if you’ve learned to love yourself more.
Could you know 100% for sure he was the man you are most compatible with? Likely, No!
We have now! Look for what is in front of you right now. What men are there? Do they meet your list of non-negotiables? Can you walk off if they do not?
Keep loving yourself along the way. It’s a journey!