Sharing VS. Vomiting your problems to Women. Men, I was told by a man, ” You know men when they find a listening ear” start sharing their problems. This was a coach that was sharing his problems with me his client, on my dime.
That just baffles me personally and professionally. For one, why would a man do this on the first meeting? Nervousness? Why, when nervous?
Two, what do you expect in return? Guys tell other guys their problems when they want advice ie: Masculine men are fixers. So then why tell women? Women that are strangers? Women you barely know? Clients? etc.
You see I’ve dealt with this for a number of years and even personally. Even following Dr. Pat Allen’s advice about feminine listening, yes, and there is a line there. Dr. Pat Allen also speaks about men that want mommies.
As a woman if we continue to hear it over and over and over (without it being about gearing up for a business meeting, or a lecture, work) what is it men are trying to meet in the way of needs? It’s a release.
As a woman, especially as a casual acquaintance when I have men come to me with their problems, at times they are men I’ve never met before. It feels to me as if they are wanting it fixed, or solved, or there is a need to just vomit it off their chest to feel better. It feels yucky to me. I don’t feel professional or personally that is healthy. Women aren’t venting boards.
As a woman that has dated and met men for the first time and they unload all their problems right off the bat. I listen as a woman does when we meet a man for dating purposes to find out what kind of man he is, but I move on. Why? Because that is what he is looking for, a therapist. He apparently won’t go to one, so he is looking for a co-dependent woman to vent, share his stories of woe with so he feels better. Ok, what part of that is something a woman should want to date? None! If she isn’t co-dependent or masculine (wanting to give advice and fix him).
What happens in this dynamic is men want women to know they have suffered. Ok, but why? What does that do? What needs are you not meeting of your own to need to vent on women? Do you feel that turns women on?
You see, you can’t say you want a feminine woman and then act like you want a masculine woman. Yes, we all switch roles off and on. This is different.
What I’m hearing as men speak to me is they don’t want to get over the suffering they want to continue to talk about it over and over and feel it over and over and over again. Are they hoping it will go away if they vent enough? Or are they wanting to be victimized by it again and again?
For a woman, it feels awful. It feels as if you are wanting to be fixed. It feels like you cannot solve your own emotional issues or seek professional help, which is what we do. It feels like neediness to us.
Now this is important to know that isn’t the same as coming home from a hard day at work and sharing with your woman. That is sharing and you aren’t looking for it to be fixed, you’re sharing your hard day at work, you fix it yourself. Isn’t there a timeline for this in a budding relationship?
I’m asking because much of this has more to do with “not thinking” and working off of ” default ” than it does anything else. For many men, it is ” they haven’t taken the time to sit with themselves and ask why, what, when” Why they are doing it, what they want from it, and when is it appropriate.
I’d love to have your feedback on this. What, if anything comes up after reading this article?