Women are easily hooked on a man in the beginning. They see him as he is in that period of time. Then he sifts, and then they wonder. They go into their mind and overthink it. They try to solve it, fix him, or show him.
They want the old him back. He, of course, was trying to hook them. Men subconsciously know this about women and know that it is easy to get them “emotionally attached.” Even if they are not consciously doing it, it is still the driving motivation.
What you don’t know as a woman is that when you see this “shift,” it’s a sign and one that you’d be better off not overlooking in a chance that he might go back or change, heal, or shift. You don’t need to enlighten him.
Look at why it is so easy, so early in dating, to get emotionally invested in someone you know so little about. Even at nine months, you do not know that much about him. Studies show it takes about two years to get an idea of who someone is.
Just because it looks good in the window doesn’t mean it is a good fit. Pay attention to your need to be in a relationship to the point where you hook yourself emotionally, and then it is hard to break loose. You’ve already decided to stay at all costs. This is the problem.
Noticing the change and not trying to change it back
The thing to remember is not to get him to change back; it’s to notice that he did change. You might just be seeing how he truly is. Notice that it could be just a show to hook you and then relax into the relationship, thinking he has you. Thinking his work is done.
Women do this too.
You will feel deceived, and rightly so. Don’t stay to avoid feelings of hurt. Notice that you placed all your heart into a gamble based on superficial aspects.
Start upping your game and practice not falling for the beginning. Start noticing that in the honeymoon stage, it’s always wonderful. Notice your actions, your words, and your need to hear what you’ve always wanted to hear.
Pull back and understand that this is not permanent. Like much in life, it will change. Be prepared for the change and also always be prepared to walk away if things change for the worst.
When you commit to someone with all your heart and decide to never leave them, you set yourself up. As much as the media wants you to believe in fantasy relationships, it’s not real. I’ll never leave you turns into I’ll never leave you as long as you and I have a working healthy relationship. I’ll never leave you as long as you are loyal and loving.
You can come up with your own boundaries. Just be clear that when someone changes, the commitment to this person might change as well. Ask yourself why you invest so quickly in someone you are intending to spend your life with. Notice how there might be a need to hang on to fantasy and pretend it will always be this way. Notice that isn’t reality.
We can’t see the flags if we are looking to fill a void
True love is rooted in the depth of knowing someone. The good and the not-so-good. When we are hooked on a person trying to fill a void, a fantasy, we can’t see the “not so good” aspect of them and will put blinders on. Usually, until it’s bad enough to get our attention.
When he changes, wake up. Realize that it’s time to do the work of taking care of yourself and making sure he is worth the long haul.
If you have been in a relationship where you had a hard time leaving when he changes, contact me for a “Get to Know Me” Session.
Photo by Jeremy Banks
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