Ever noticed how there is this societal belief that breakups should be kind, respectful, calm, and soft. Certainly, that might be what we would consider the best-case scenario. Many have this belief that is evolved. Bullshit!
What I notice is we break up how we do. The best that we can at that moment. We can plan and rehearse how it ends and still might not be what we planned. We are emotional beings. Our emotions drive us.
This idea that we have to break up “calm”, “kind” or “soft” or fill in the blank…………is the source of suffering for many. It’s those very “shoulds” that cause issues.
At times – more often than not – my breakups have been pretty easy as far as the communication of it…… And other times not so much. I don’t judge myself for it.
Depending on the circumstances that lead to the breakup can also depend on what I say. How I say it. Knowing how he will respond also plays a part.
When we hold this societal belief that it has to be nice, kind, soft, and respectful is not always reality.
How do we treat ourselves with this belief? Usually with shame or guilt. It should have been different. Either that or we are blaming the other person because they didn’t do it right. It’s an emotional mess.
Breakups are hard enough!
Breakups are hard enough without adding I didn’t do it well or right or kind. What hell are we putting ourselves through when we hold it in, suffer through it, and disrespect ourselves with this belief?
It causes tension, frustration, and even self-hate.
What do we get out of this belief? Often, it is society’s approval. People won’t judge us if we do it this way. We won’t judge ourselves.
I don’t know about you, but when I’ve moved in the direction of doing something to only prove that I’m acceptable in others’ views, I suffer. I suffer because I wasn’t true to myself.
We can absolutely do it in a way that is effective, and true to ourselves. When we hold this belief, it has to be a certain way, often, that belief can cause issues. Especially when it isn’t matching reality.
If you have had a breakup that is less than perfect, great, that means you are human. It doesn’t mean you are a bad person, doesn’t mean you are not conscious. It means like everyone else you have your best times and your not-so-great times.
How do you work on breaking up in ways that are respectful of yourself first and then others? For me, I process my emotions and then move from clarity. However, there are times when even that didn’t prove to be the best breakup. Then I just accept it as it was and move on. It was what it was.
Accept what is! Move on!
I used to beat myself up for doing things less than evolved. That is back when I thought being evolved meant always being a certain way. I was blind to the fact that evolved is accepting what is.
Look at your breakups as something to learn from. Notice how you might judge how it happened. What your mind is telling you about it. Take the time to go inside and find acceptance and embrace it as an opportunity to grow. Inquire. Notice any self-judgment. Notice if you are judging others. All of this can lead you to a place of knowing. Peaceful and accepting of how imperfect life is. Which is perfect!
If you are experiencing break-up guilt or blame, contact me for a Free Get to Know Me Session.
Photo by Andrik Langfield