How he praises you, is telling. Are you listening? This is an aspect of dating and relationships, that many do not understand. It’s what a man praises you for and tells you what he wants. What he values.
For example, I dated a man, and he had a small medical issue and I was helping him heal it. I was also working and on the phone at the same time. Yes, I was multitasking.
While I was working, I was also heating up a cloth for him to use on his wound.
I did not realize it at the time, but later he praised me and said how amazing I was. I thought that was nice that he noticed. As the relationship went on, I noticed he didn’t have that same enthusiasm for anything else that I did that was related to me meeting a goal or milestone. Something I wanted to celebrate. He had little to no excitement. More often than not, no comment. Just silence.
He only praised me and bragged about me when I was over-functioning. It hit me! OMG! He wants me to be the over-functioning woman which I’ve worked for so many years to unravel and heal the need to fry up the bacon, bring home the money, and take care of my man. The very thing that exhausts women and makes them ill, is over-functioning.
Men have benefitted from this for decades. The song “I am woman” by Peggy Lee sums it up well.
No! I’m not doing that again. I’m not signing up to be that 1960’s version of a liberal woman that can do it all over and over again.
When dating, it’s important to pay attention to things like this. It might seem like a green flag, but it was a green flag in the wrong direction.
Often, I hear women talking about these things and not noticing that they are all excited about him and totally missing the red flag that appears to be green.
Yes, there is a lot to pay attention to in regards to developing a healthy relationship, but once you build up your intuition and self-reflection, you can notice these things easily. They hit you differently.
You will notice the inconsistencies and the hooks. Though this man probably was not fully aware of this, I’m certain he had a clue what he was working towards. He wanted an over-functioning care taker. Co-dependency.
I’m a compassionate, empathetic, easy-going woman that had done her inner work. That makes it easier for a man in relationships. He wanted me to give that, but wasn’t able to give it back to me. This is a deal breaker for me.
I am not signing up to be in a one sided relationship when I’m the main character in a play where I give the praise and get crumbs of it in return. Over-functioning is not something to praise a woman for. A supportive man will support her slowing down and having reasonable tasks to do and resting. What I got praised for was a proverbial slap in the face.
Listen to what he praises you for and ask yourself if that is something praise worthy or is it conditioning to get you to be the one in the relationship that does most of the work.
When you are dating and considering a man for a serious relationship, pay attention to all these things and how they feel. Watch for patterns. When you write them down, and notice the pattern, you can choose more accurately and consciously what is best for you! Remember to have your own back.
If this resonates with you, contact me for a 1:1 Session and we can discuss how to end over-functioning in relationships.
Photo by István Szitás