Dating Sucks! I hear this often. What to do?
Certainly, it can suck. Let’s talk about why it sucks and what to do.
It can suck when we put effort into getting to know someone and then we get ghosted. We get disappointed when we show up for dates and they are not what they portrayed themselves to be. It sucks when we get emotionally attached and then rejected.
It can suck not finding the right person after a long time of dating. We think by now, we should have found the right one. It can be exhausting and boring.
What story do you have about how dating should go? Are you hoping to find someone soon into dating after a divorce or a bad break-up? I used to. I thought that if I had enough time between and had dealt with the past relationship, healed, and was ready for a new one, then I would attract the right man. I soon found out that isn’t how it goes.
I couldn’t just bring forth the right one by willpower. What I had to learn the hard way was that it was an experiment. It’s a journey. We learn with every person we go out with. If we don’t have a story in our heads, it should be otherwise.
I began to see it as meeting people. Getting to know someone and enjoying the process. I took the pressure off myself to get it right, find the right one, or hurry the process along.
I learned what I didn’t want and then got very clear on what I did want.
I fine-tuned my desires. I healed parts of me I didn’t know were there.
I also learned how to be present in each conversation with each man. I learned how to not have expectations that this one date would develop into a relationship, so I went in knowing it might not.
I left hope at home.
I learned how to let go of someone gently and sometimes not, and how to be rejected and be totally fine with it. I learned how to handle ghosting.
I got to where it was fun, and that fun showed up in my energy. I went out to have fun and meet a new person. Just like at a party where you mingle with new people and chat.
Depending on what is going on in our head, we can dread our way through dating and go out with the belief that it sucks or we can go out with the belief that it is fun.
Which do you think is more likely to attract a new relationship?
Make a list of why dating sucks! All the things you want to say and don’t. Get petty on paper!
Get curious! Then look at it from the perspective of what can you learn from each one of those on the list. Experiment!
Each date is an opportunity.
- Hone your conversational skills
- Get better at catching the red flags
- Get better at noticing how you feel
- Hone in on your listening skills
- Making eye contact – even if you aren’t attracted to them
- Being present and not thinking about other things while they are speaking
- Give each person an opportunity
- Get better at honestly expressing yourself and not people-pleasing
- Learn to let go of an outcome
You can always end the date if it is bad enough to where you just have to leave. I learned to give the person 1 hour of my time and for me to have no story about this person during that time. I just noticed. When the date was over, I gracefully learned to end it and or accept another date.
The most important part was learning to communicate better, and more authentic, to where my body language, energy, and words were all in sync. Which is super hot. Sought after and often rare. When you develop this skill, you’ll find you feel more secure in dating.
Dating isn’t a means to an end. It’s discovery. It’s life opening up to us. It continues even when we are in a long-term partnership. This is an ongoing journey. Be conscious!
If you find that dating sucks and you would like to investigate how to turn it around, schedule a Free Get To Know Me Session.
Photo by Toa Heftiba