We’ve all experienced a time when we’ve had an argument. After the argument is a crucial point in how things transpire. Often, if we’ve apologized and talked it out, there are affection and connection.
There is a tiny bit of space where we have the option to review it and make a commitment to work on things consciously. Snuggles, cuddles, and affection are great, but if the action doesn’t happen, then it will likely not register in the brain to make a shift.
Part of being in a conscious relationship is making sure that each partner is on the same page moving forward, and if not, discuss it more.
Hurrying up to get affectionate or to get away from the discomfort isn’t necessarily productive. Watch to see if the desire to kiss and make up is to hurry up the process and get back to the fun stuff.
This takes time to get in the habit of finishing the disagreement with mindfulness practice. Maybe that might be; let’s check in with each other in a few days and see how we both are feeling.
I’m sorry, and I won’t do it again sounds great. It has to be conscious practice to notice if you are doing it again and catch yourself.
Apologies are great if they are authentic and come with a humble desire to really understand and make shifts.
Taking the time and the amount of time that is needed is important to really resolve the issue. If not, then when it shows up again, understand that possibly you didn’t do a thorough enough investigation, and it might be helpful to do it again.
Our brains are wired to avoid conflict to avoid pain. It seeks homeostasis, and sometimes, that desire to get back to comfort can actually sabotage our relationships.
I’ve often heard from men that “they’ve talked enough”; it needs to be put to rest. Upset that their partner won’t let it go. Women might do this too. Remember, it needs to be discussed and resolved without a timer. Walking out of the room or leaving because you’ve heard enough can feel dismissive. Try to let the person know you will come back once you cool down. However, you have to come back in a timely manner for this to work. Often, it’s easier to not want to face it again.
After you have come to a resolution, then talk a bit before the makeup sex (or after, if that works for you) to really nail down the intentions. Make sure you are on the same page. There is a plan.
I know it doesn’t sound romantic! It kind of kills the moment. If you get used to it, it can turn into a turn-on. You might find that resolve is hot! Indeed, you will eventually have that as your comfort zone.
If this is confusing to you and making up consciously is what you would like to practice more, contact me, and let’s chat.
Check out my Ebook The Awakening, where I go into what a conscious couple does.
Photo by henri meilhac