I’m reading it over and over. I miss my Narcissist Ex

“I need help to not respond to his texts or phone calls!” “I miss him!”

Then you hear it…the shared memories, the memories of heart fluttering in the beginning. Longing! The deep longing for what was. You desire to have those times back. “Maybe he will change.” You lie to yourself.

“Primarily, narcissists are attractive because they think of themselves as the top prize, and that factors into how other people see them. They believe in their own value (on the surface, at least), so their charisma and confidence often make them the life of a party.”  [sic]

We attract narcissists because we have lax boundaries, we empathize past what is healthy, and we eroticize being with someone wounded and in pain—that is “healing,” we are codependent and don’t speak up and ask for what we want. We think that “over the top” chemistry is “love”—it isn’t.

Many of us have had a narcissistic parent, and our brain was conditioned to think their “grandiose” self is usual, as in confidence. It isn’t. Our brain thinks it is. It confuses us.

We attract narcissists because we haven’t dealt with our own trauma, and we are seeking to heal it outwardly through “being there for someone else who is wounded.”

When I hear women who have found the strength to break free from a Narc man, what I hear is a lot of “longing,” “desperation,” and “missing him.” They have conveniently blocked out the awful stuff.

This is precisely why you got into it in the beginning.

You are looking for that “normalized abuse” subconsciously, and when you are free from it—you have withdrawal symptoms.

You aren’t dealing with your own sh*t. You abandoned yourself for him and are avoiding returning to “you.” You’re really missing yourself.

You confuse it as “missing the narcissist.” You focus on the “good times.”

The good times were never really authentic. This was planned (either consciously or subconsciously) to hook you and keep you hooked. You are missing the point.

You left because of the bad times. You aren’t reminding yourself of why you left. You were pining over times when they were giving you this “high” that you secretly desired, as if you “won” the lottery with them. Then they hit you hard with many covert tactics, and you conveniently forget those once in the past.

You’re setting yourself up to be with another narcissist as soon as one comes along; you’ll be high on that feeling again.

When you “long” for something that hard, you’ll return it to you again. Until you get it! Your deep desire for someone to “love” you is how you sincerely need to reflect on your wounds. It isn’t true love.

Stop longing for something you have eroticized that isn’t healthy. Focus on why you left them, especially when your mind reminds you of the “good times.” Realize that good times are not “real love.” What you see when it is abusive, diminishing, hurtful, or betraying is also part of the equation. A major part.

It’s like eating a pizza because it tastes so yummy and knowing you will end up in the hospital in agony. It’s self-abuse! It’s like a drug.

When you stop hooking yourself on “fake” happiness and “toxic love” and start giving yourself that love—you won’t feel that “longing” for what only gets you the same as what you are currently going through withdrawals from. Stop hooking yourself on someone’s wounded heart and fake self-confidence.  Stop hooking yourself on their words, and pay attention to the entire picture.

This is blunt, and it’s also something that needs pondering before you text them back, returns their call, meets them as “friends,” or see them for “closure.” Those are all excuses to “get a hit off heroin,” just a tiny bit. Only to notice again they will use it against you. You ran into the concrete wall again because you weren’t paying attention! It’s tough, love.

“Just this once,” you say, “Then I’ll stop. I promise.” When you’re high off them, you don’t question it—only to do it again and then wonder why.

Is this repetition annoying you? This is exactly what others see and you don’t.

You see, I’ve been there hitting the pothole again and thinking I’ll miss it next time, only to hit it again on another road. I still was not “paying attention.”

I know that longing that I so desperately wanted to experience this lifetime. To finally have the feeling that I was deeply and truly loved. I subconsciously have blinders on, and they would slip back over my eyes as soon as my subconscious mind found another target.

It happens before we can catch it—that feeling of familiarity and comfort with this new man. I feel like I’ve known him.

Yes, I did know him. A different name, different body, different likes, and yet—still that same guy. The one that could never find actual value in me. And I wanted to continue chasing that, hoping to finally have that longing satisfied!

Deal with your addiction. Stop drinking up the poison because it tastes good. Love thyself!

I now understand and feel repulsed by this, and I don’t have a longing anymore. I’m happy being me and loving myself, especially when I think I need someone to satisfy my need to be loved. Those times, I need to step up on loving myself.

When a man comes along, I need nothing other than to chat and have fun. Genuine love will develop over time and not be some drug-like effect coming over me that I can’t stop or that won’t stop.

Either way, I’m happy!

Originally published in Elephant Journal on 23rd November 2020

Photo by Joseph Frank